How do you refer to your donor?

Forums Donor Conceived People How do you refer to your donor?

This topic contains 19 replies, has 17 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of Syron Syron 9 months ago.

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  • #2661
    Profile photo of AnthProf
    AnthProf
    Participant

    I’m a Professor of Anthropology at the University of Kansas doing research on connections formed through donor insemination as compared with the conventional family. I hope to post several questions to the group in the near future, and today I want to begin with a very simple one, directed to individuals conceived with donor sperm. Please be sure to answer all three parts of the question.

    1) Have you had any contact with your donor? If so, is it person-to-person, by telephone, or online? What kind of relationship do you have with him? One meeting only? Occasional? Cordial? Strained? Close? Would you describe it in some other way?

    2) What term do you use to refer to your donor? Father? Dad? Daddy? Donor? Some other term? No term at all?

    3) Is your mother a single mother, or does she have a lesbian or male husband/partner who was in your household as you grew up? If the latter, what term do you use to refer to that person?

    Thanks very much for your answer! It will be very helpful to my research.

    Allan Hanson
    Professor of Anthropology
    University of Kansas

    #2667
    Profile photo of CMartin1981
    CMartin1981
    Participant

    Hello, Prof. Hanson. I was conceived at KU and would be happy to answer your questions.

    1) Yes, I have had contact, only by letter. I introduced myself in a letter and he answered my questions, by letter, and asked me never to contact him again. I don’t have an adjective for that sort of relationship except perhaps “non-existent.”

    2) I refer to him as my “biological father” or, in instances where more clarification is necessary, my “sperm donor father.” I have only ever addressed him by his full name.

    3) I grew up in a heterosexual two-parent household with my mother and dad. I refer to my social father as my “dad.”

    #2668
    Profile photo of TeeCee
    TeeCee
    Participant

    Your questions sound like something Wendy Kramer would come up with, like AI-D didn’t happen before 1970 and donor children always knew of their origin. Are you interested in hearing from those conceived in the 1940s, 50s, and 60s, when the sperm was fresh, only heterosexual married couples were considered for the procedure, parents were told nothing about the donor, and were told to lie to their children about their origins? A few of us were told at some point, most others had no clue until they or one of their children did a DNA test and unexpected close matches showed up. Our experience was rather different than that of turkey baster babies, so is probably not relevant to your research. I think your study would be far more interesting carried out on those conceived in the earlier period.

    #2669
    Profile photo of dotty
    dotty
    Participant

    1/ I have not had an personal contact. I contacted my DNA match which happen to be the brother of my donor. He passed along my info and I have not heard from my donor. I am in contact with my donor’s daughter, my half sister. She said that she is not suppose to talk to me about him. All contact is via computer.

    2/ I call him several things. It used to bio dad but since he wants nothing to do with me. I have been just calling him donor.

    3/ single mother. married several times. lots of step fathers. the first couple were called dad, but then just names and eventually i gave them numbers.

    #2671
    Profile photo of kalechips
    kalechips
    Participant

    1) Have you had any contact with your donor? If so, is it person-to-person, by telephone, or online? What kind of relationship do you have with him? One meeting only? Occasional? Cordial? Strained? Close? Would you describe it in some other way?

    We have exchanged emails only. He had me talk to a “friend” of his over the phone who happened to be an adoption attorney and it seemed like he was open to a phone conversation himself, but he backed out at the last minute and agreed to answer brief medical history questions once a year. We have no other relationship, though I’d love to have one, and on my best days I’m hopeful that something will change for the better.

    2) What term do you use to refer to your donor? Father? Dad? Daddy? Donor? Some other term? No term at all?

    He is my biological father.

    3) Is your mother a single mother, or does she have a lesbian or male husband/partner who was in your household as you grew up? If the latter, what term do you use to refer to that person?

    At the time I was conceived (1977), my mother was married to my “birth certificate father,” which is how I distinguish him from my biological father. If I’m referring to the past, I’ll call him my dad, but he left my life when I was a teenager so I don’t call him anything now.

    Best of luck with your research,
    Amanda

    #2672
    Profile photo of dadams
    dadams
    Participant

    1) no contact – do not know who he is
    2) he is my Father
    3) my mother was married, I refer to the man who raised me as Dad.

    #2673
    Profile photo of BigSecret
    BigSecret
    Participant

    Hi there!

    1) I have only had online contact with my donor. He was eager and excited at first, but then had cold feet and backed away. Then, he was diagnosed with cancer and died a few months later. It was unfortunate timing, as I never got to meet him. He did write me a final email to apologize if he had hurt me, state that he was proud of my accomplishments, and invite me to visit his grave in the future.

    2) Donor, or biological father. I also addressed and referred to him by his first name.

    3) My mother was married to my dad, or Daddy (social father, if people don’t know me) while I was growing up. They never divorced.

    Hope that helps!

    #2674
    Profile photo of yfactor
    yfactor
    Participant

    1. No contact. While we are connected (he helped my parents, we share DNA), I do not feel any need/longing to have contact.
    2. (sperm) donor. For me this nicely fits with his role in my life.
    3. My mother was married with a man, my father. During primary school, my parents divorced. To others I refer to him as my father. Sometimes in case of discussions about DC, I say social father to make it more clear. When talking to my father, I say Pa (Dutch for Dad). When talking about my mother I also use a different term than the term I use talking to her.

    #2675
    Profile photo of nj1973
    nj1973
    Participant

    1) Have you had any contact with your donor? If so, is it person-to-person, by telephone, or online? What kind of relationship do you have with him? One meeting only? Occasional? Cordial? Strained? Close? Would you describe it in some other way?

    I have no idea who he is. I was conceived in the 1970’s before donors were tracked. He gave a sample to my mom’s Dr. and my parents were told to lie about it and never bring it up again. I would like to have the opportunity to at least talk to him- see what he’s like, do I look like him, have half siblings, have any health issues to be concerned about, etc. but so far no close relatives have appeared on the DNA sites.

    2) What term do you use to refer to your donor? Father? Dad? Daddy? Donor? Some other term? No term at all?

    I don’t talk about this to many people but if I do it’s usually donor or if I’m talking about medical or genealogical topics I say biological father.

    3) Is your mother a single mother, or does she have a lesbian or male husband/partner who was in your household as you grew up? If the latter, what term do you use to refer to that person?

    My parents are married. My dad is my dad. I just found out about this accidentally a couple of years ago at age 40 from taking a DNA test. The cognitive dissonance is difficult to process.

    #2676
    Profile photo of Darthfenrir
    Darthfenrir
    Participant

    1. I have had no contact with my sperm donor

    2. When referring to my donor I usually call him the olday man.

    3. My mother had a lesbian partner while I was growing up. I referred to her by her name.

    #2677
    Profile photo of Kak87florla
    Kak87florla
    Participant

    1.) I have had no contact with my sperm donor.

    2.) When referring to my donor I usually call him my biological father or my donor father.

    3.) My mother was married, her husband, my non-biological father was sterile which is why they used a sperm donor. He raised me and I refer to him as my dad.

    #2682
    Profile photo of wmdoran
    wmdoran
    Participant

    @anthprof Thanks for your work Dr. Hanson:

    1) Yes, by email. He tried to manipulate me then cut off communication. He is very narcissistic and sociopathic. I would like a relationship with my father but unfortunately it likely won’t happen. Occasional emails to make new attempts. Disappointing. He doesn’t give a shit about me. I was a $50 check to him to pay for medical school and his sports car and feed his superiority complex.

    2) Father; biological father.

    3) Heterosexual Married Mother; call him Dad to him and others out of social obligation; refer to him by his first name in private and with my wife. Feels like a form a Stockholm Syndrome.

    #2687
    Profile photo of deremna
    deremna
    Participant

    1) I have not had any sort of contact with the sperm donor as his information was private so I have no idea who he even is. The only reason I’ve done the DNA sites was to try and figure out the roots of my nationality as well as any medical issues I might need to be on the look out for. I don’t have any interest in being buddies.. though I am admittedly interested in the donor half-sibling situation as I am an only child.

    2) I just refer to him as “sperm donor” because that’s literally all he is to me.

    3) My dad was unable to get my mom pregnant hence why she needed the AI with viable donor sperm. I didn’t know until I was around 23 that I wasn’t biologically related to my dad but that didn’t even matter. My dad raised me and is awesome so I call him Dad. My dad originally didn’t want to tell me as he was afraid I wouldn’t love him anymore but they sat me down and told me about as they thought it was important for me to know.

    #2694
    Profile photo of lilphotog
    lilphotog
    Participant

    1) I do not know enough information about him to locate him so I have never had any contact.

    2) Sperm donor

    3) My mother was married to my father/dad when I was conceived because my father did not have viable sperm. He raised me as his child so I still consider him my father/dad.

    #2696
    Profile photo of JasminSommerAlsholm
    JasminSommerAlsholm
    Participant

    1. no contact, do not have a donor ID on him.

    2. biological father

    3. my mom and social dad is still together. I call him dad…

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