I'm a biological mother that used an anonymous sperm donor.

Forums Parents of DCPs I'm a biological mother that used an anonymous sperm donor.

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This topic contains 21 replies, has 11 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of wmdoran wmdoran 3 years, 8 months ago.

Viewing 7 posts - 16 through 22 (of 22 total)
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  • #2501
    Profile photo of Tglkdsbdh
    Tglkdsbdh
    Participant

    I am a mother to 3 DC. We have not told them yet because we were originally advised to wait until our oldest had had sex Ed and could “understand”. She’s 14 and things were really different when she was conceived. Anyway, our youngest is 5 and we want him to know now and we want to tell the other two, but we are scared. My husband doesn’t want the kids to see him differently or think he is not their dad. It would kill him. Any advice on how to approach this?

    #2502
    Profile photo of cchipps
    cchipps
    Participant

    Hi,
    I am the mom of the 27 (almost 28 year old DCP daughter). If your husband was a good husband and father there is nothing to fear. Your children will be sad that they are not biologically connected to him but that is a good thing. Explain how you were influenced not to tell. They will understand. If your husband wasn’t a good father there will be relief because they will understand the disconnect. I don’t know your situation but it is much better to tell than to keep secrets, especially with the DNA testing available today. You will be OK as a family – just remain open and not disallow any questions. It is a difficult time but if you are open everyone will eventually accept.

    Chris

    #2503
    Profile photo of ttbies
    ttbies
    Participant

    I am the mom of a 14 year old conceived child . She was told when she was 10 had some medical issues and I thought it was best to let her know then it has put something between her and her un biological father he has pulled away from her and the good thing about that is she knew for a long time and she didn’t look like any of her family members. She said she’s glad that she knows and she loves me for bringing her into this world should like to know her biological father and any siblings that were born out of him we have found one on the Donna sibling Registry we’re hoping to come up with the money to afford for the contact her. I don’t see any problem with telling a child that she has two fathers because she was wanted and blessed in my case my daughter was very understanding and nothing has changed between me and her no hard feelings just glad that she was brought into this world out of love I hope that helps anyone who is having issue telling their child

    #2504
    Profile photo of cchipps
    cchipps
    Participant

    Hi ttbies,

    Why not post something on this site where everyone can see that you need someone that is still a member of the Donor Sibling Registry to contact this possible 1/2 sibling and give them your email address? I would instead spend your money on a DNA test for you and your daughter, this way it will allow your daughter to see who is a maternal relative and who is a paternal relative. Since 23andMe has increased their price significantly, I would start with DNA testing at Ancestry.com. Once you get your results you can upload both to FTDNA and see your first 20 matches. To see all your matches you would only have to pay $39. GEDmatch will allow you to upload your raw data for free and then you can see anyone else’s kits that match your daughter or yourself. That place has lots of tools to help you figure things out. There is also a place called Prometheaus where you can upload your data for $5 and get loads of health info.

    I was a member of the DSR in 2006 to about 2008. Even though my daughter’s info is still there we have never had any matches. My daughter is 27 and because of DNA testing that we did in May, we found her biological father and all his family. They have yet to meet in person but have shared numerous emails, messaging and phone calls. It has been a more positive experience than she ever expected.

    One other note. There are several groups on FB that will help you search after you get your DNA results. Please consider testing.

    Chris

    #2505
    Profile photo of wmdoran
    wmdoran
    Participant

    @tglkdsbdh I found out the truth at 25 after asking since about age 12. I would HIGHLY recommend telling ASAP. The older the worse it will be especially after adolescence. I disagree with @cchipps in that it won’t matter as long as your husband was loving towards them. My social dad was a loving dad but I never felt close to him in a father/son sort of way and never really identified with him or any of his family members. When I knew he wasn’t my father I actually felt a weird sense of relief. Him on the other hand cannot seem to accept I am not his son in that he still fantisizes that I actually am and says weird things like my kids look like him. Delusional thinking REALLY irritates me. When I found out I was most heart broken realizing I had been abandoned by my biological father and that my parents were part of that choice to remove me from my family and by purchasing me like an product/object/pet. It is a kind of betrayal. I can’t speak for how your kids will feel but that has been my experience. No matter the scenario that plays out you must tell the truth. No real relationship can be built on a foundation of lies. For their own human dignity and rights as a human beings they should know WHO THEY ARE. My mother, unfortunately, refuses to acknowledge my needs as a human being and our relationship has suffered a lot due to her stubborn unwillingness to think beyond her own delusional mind set and continually putting me in a box, calling me names like ‘negative’ or ‘black box’ or to ‘just get over it’ or ‘I wish you never knew’. She doesn’t acknowledge half of who I am or allow me to identify with that side. I think like my father (bio) she is sociopathic as she does not seem to be able to show empathy. I did find my father and paternal family through my DNA. It was a hard process but I wouldn’t trade the knowledge I now have for anything. Unfortunately, my father rejected me as did my two half-siblings from his second marriage. I would love to be in relationship with them and my living grand mother and aunt but it seems I won’t be. I have settled to be content with the cousins that have been open armed and hope that I connect with at least some of my rumored 500+ produced siblings from my father.

    #2506
    Profile photo of ttbies
    ttbies
    Participant

    @cchipps could u email me I tried to email others on that site but I gotta pay to email any one

    #2507
    Profile photo of wmdoran
    wmdoran
    Participant

    @cchipps @ttbies Just in case you didn’t know you can send member to member private messages on DonorChildren.

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